Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Drowning

I'm not dead, but I do feel like I'm slowly drowning.  I will fully admit that I can't do everything on my plate right now.   Let alone do them well.  Each one of the jobs I have falls into the never done category.  I could always do more, give more, be more prepared.  I can think of so many ways that I could be a better wife and mother.  I could be more present, more positive, more kind, more productive, more fun.  I have so many ideas on how I could be a better teacher to my middle school students, so much more that I want to do for those students.  I just have too many current responsibilites, too many problems that HAVE to be solved to get to the proactive strategies.  I could put more time and energy into teaching both of my classes at WWU, I know that I'm not doing my BEST at either of them.  I could be doing more. But I'm so tired, and so tired of feeling incredibly behind.  One of the jobs has to go.

Luckily, there are only two more weeks left to WWU's Winter Quarter.  During Spring Quarter I'm only going to teach one class, on Tuesday nights.  No more online class.  This might not sound like I'm cutting back much, but it's huge for me.  Huge in that I'm calling it quits and cutting back on the work load I'm taking on (I have a hard time with taking on too much) and huge in that I will need to spend significantly less time sitting at a computer. 

In the meantime, life isn't all a drag.  I actually love everything that I'm doing.  There just isn't enough time to do all of the things I love.  I have to choose.  And I'm trying my hardest to be present for the things that really matter in my life, the things that my 80 year old self will care about.  Present for visiting family and watching Scout form relationships with her extended family.  Present for the changing season and sunshine that peaks out occasionally.  Present for time with my husband, even if it's just a drive in the car, working in the yard together, or a snuggle in front of a movie.  Present for spending time reading books with Scout (she turns the pages!), playing peak-a-boo (instant giggles), or helping her stand and then get back down (all of the time now!).  Present for the things that really matter in life.

But until I eliminate some things in my life, I'm really just treading water.  And I don't have time for some of the me things, some of the hobbies and the fun.  No time for sitting, reflecting, and writing blog posts.  No time for sorting and posting pictures or videos.  No time for running.  No time for friends or other social connections.  No time for reading books. No time for trying new recipes and enjoying making dinner.  No time for projects and learning something new.  I miss all of those things, and I can't survive not having them in my life for an extended period of time.  But right now, life is too full and to make time for any of these activities I would have to sacrifice Andrew/Scout time.  Which I'm not willing to do.  So I will continue treading water until the end of Winter quarter, when I'm cutting back.

1 comment:

Jordan said...

I loved this post. It's so honest and something that I'm sure many full time+ working people with a baby feel this way. You are kicking life's ass but it's probably good to go down to one class at WWU. I'm sure you are being amazing at everything- I know you are your own biggest critic. Not to add to your plate, but maybe over break we could get together. Plus I'll give you your book back!! Sending love your way