Thursday, September 4, 2014

Blue Swing Zen

Scout-Sept 4, 2014
It's the eve of the third full day back at work. 815 as I start this (to be exact). Andrew is gone helping some friends move and the girls are in bed asleep, so I don't feel guilty writing before I head to bed in a few. That's right, I'm hoping to be in bed by 830, so this post is short and sweet.  This going back to work thing is hard, harder than I thought it would be.  I love my job and things are actually going fairly well for a school year start; I think it will be the best year yet.  I've had a lot of fun the past few days.  But I'm tired.  Really tired.  And I feel really, really guilty that I'm so exhausted for those few hours that I get to see my family when I come home in the evening.  There are only about 5 hours I'm awake and home in the evening, 2 of those with Elena and 3.5 with Scout (if I'm lucky).  It's not enough.  I don't have quite enough patience or energy to love on them the way they deserve.  I've been good about not bringing work home, but I'm just a little bit too snippy, sigh too much, too distracted, and can't quite get into playing the way I want to.  I just want to curl in a ball on the couch, in silence, and have someone take care of me.  Doesn't translate well for a 6 month old who wants to be held or a 3 year old who wants to be heard.  And a husband?  Poor guy, there is hardly any energy left for him.

I have hope that I will adjust and feel more like me when with my family.  Both physically and mentally.  I'm hoping Elena will get back to sleeping better, I remembered to eat and drink more water today (which helps, duh!), and I know that I will mentally and physically adjust to pumping.  And, being aware of this whole thought process, tonight was better, at least on my end.  I really gave it my all and soaked up my girls and their love.  We had fun and I wasn't as hard on myself or them.  Check out the zen on Scout's face as she "fwings on the blue fwing.  Lookin' at the sun".   I'm looking forward to the weekend.

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